Dear Fuckwits,
I appreciate that's a very strong way to begin a letter, but that's where we are, you and I.
I have watched all three of your recent adverts (www.kingsmillconfessions.com) and on serious reflection I am convinced that these are easily the most stupid adverts on British television this year.
I do not believe that anyone, outside of the cast of Les Miserables, has ever had a bread-related confession. The very notion of secret bakery product escapades is farcical - but unfortunately not farcical in a way which entertains or amuses.
The advertising people at Saachi have managed to cook up an advertising campaign which is so unbelievably moronic I feel it necessary to both chide and punish you for spending more than £10,000,000 splashing it all over my TV. There is nothing I can do to Saachi, and little I can do to Kingsmill - but I am nevertheless going to act against you with my full consumer powers.
I will never purchase, or eat, another loaf, another roll, another baked product, produced by Kingsmill. And at any point in the future should someone ask me to make a bread-related recommendation, I will favour your competitors.
Mend your ways!
Yours faithfully,
David F Porteous
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Sunday, 10 May 2009
The News Podcast
Ahoy hoy. I've just created my own jellycast account for the storage and distribution of the 101 show News - for those who miss the show, don't give a stuff about the show, or want to trawl back through the archives and touch themselves while listening to the sound of my voice.
You can follow the link in the sidebar - or go to http://dfp.jellycast.com/
You can also subscribe to it using itunes with this link - itpc://dfp.jellycast.com/podcast/feed/2 - so you'll never ever miss me again.
You can follow the link in the sidebar - or go to http://dfp.jellycast.com/
You can also subscribe to it using itunes with this link - itpc://dfp.jellycast.com/podcast/feed/2 - so you'll never ever miss me again.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Zeke Patterson Gets Kidnapped By Pirates
The Less Successful Adventures Of Lassie - Episode 3: Zeke Patterson Gets Kidnapped By Pirates
Classic episode of the much-loved television series Lassie, following the adventures of a clever collie dog and her human owner, which was never aired before the show was cancelled due to an outbreak of avian flu.
Timmy van Buren Gets Trapped In The Old Gold Mine
The Less Successful Adventures Of Lassie - Episode 2: Timmy van Buren Gets Trapped In The Old Gold Mine
Classic episode of the much-loved television series Lassie, following the adventures of a clever collie dog and her human owner, which was never aired before the show was cancelled due to an outbreak of bestiality.
Billy Gunderson Falls Down A Well
The Less Successful Adventures Of Lassie - Episode 1: Billy Gunderson Falls Down A Well
Classic episode of the much-loved television series Lassie, following the adventures of a clever collie dog and her human owner, which was never aired before the show was cancelled due to an outbreak of leprosy.
Sunday, 19 April 2009
News - 13 April 2009
Latest(-ish) news from around the world. Listen to the stream and look at some of the links yourself.
Listen to the stream
The Jackson Catalogue
MI5 recruit Q
People Magazine estimates Gibson's fortune at $1bn (jokers)
Listen to the stream
The Jackson Catalogue
MI5 recruit Q
People Magazine estimates Gibson's fortune at $1bn (jokers)
Friday, 3 April 2009
Untitled Work Project 1 - Development Diary 6
Second Day Stories
Well, it's fair to say that in terms of everything the video was supposed to achieve it was a great success. People were entertained, people were informed, it easily overshadowed everybody else and I won in every sense necessary.
But I'm not happy.
I've uploaded a three and a half minute extract from the full 16 minute video - mercifully trimmed of anything work-related. I'm not going to put the whole video online because it doesn't meet any of my standards, but if anyone's interested I'll post the script. The link to the video extract is here... (hopefully)
FILM EXTRACT
I have to view the whole process as a learning experience, and I think possibly it would be useful for me to list the lessons I've learned.
1) Rehearsal time can't be compromised; especially when dealing with people with no acting experience.
2) Cut long to allow for laughter.
3) Never use partial green screen as you won't be able to deal adequately with the edges in post production.
4) Never change green screen venue as it will screw with your sound.
5) Film green screen entirely without natural light because you can't control it.
6) Make sure people are wearing different lightness of clothing from the green background as well as a different colour, since some shades may also be removed by the process.
7) Never give yourself ten days to work on a project, then go away to a conference for three of them.
Lessons to live by I would say.
Despite the outcome not satisfying me, I have to conclude that given my experience and the time allowed, I couldn't have done any better.
Could I go back and do it again better? Absolutely.
Would I be able to do it better in future? Yes.
Will I? Fuck off.
Well, it's fair to say that in terms of everything the video was supposed to achieve it was a great success. People were entertained, people were informed, it easily overshadowed everybody else and I won in every sense necessary.
But I'm not happy.
I've uploaded a three and a half minute extract from the full 16 minute video - mercifully trimmed of anything work-related. I'm not going to put the whole video online because it doesn't meet any of my standards, but if anyone's interested I'll post the script. The link to the video extract is here... (hopefully)
FILM EXTRACT
I have to view the whole process as a learning experience, and I think possibly it would be useful for me to list the lessons I've learned.
1) Rehearsal time can't be compromised; especially when dealing with people with no acting experience.
2) Cut long to allow for laughter.
3) Never use partial green screen as you won't be able to deal adequately with the edges in post production.
4) Never change green screen venue as it will screw with your sound.
5) Film green screen entirely without natural light because you can't control it.
6) Make sure people are wearing different lightness of clothing from the green background as well as a different colour, since some shades may also be removed by the process.
7) Never give yourself ten days to work on a project, then go away to a conference for three of them.
Lessons to live by I would say.
Despite the outcome not satisfying me, I have to conclude that given my experience and the time allowed, I couldn't have done any better.
Could I go back and do it again better? Absolutely.
Would I be able to do it better in future? Yes.
Will I? Fuck off.
Monday, 30 March 2009
LARIA day one
As I sit in my room in the Loughborough halls of residence, which smells of my aftershave and somebody else's feet, I think about the issues raised on day one of the conference.
John Benington, the LARCI chair and keynote speaker, put the proposition that local governance is undergoing a Copernican revolution - that is a change in the way we centre the universe of our activities. I remarked to Bob Stead from West Lothian that the points Professor Benington made were interesting... but what do I do with them?
What happened next answered my question.
Professor Benington said that he believed, in future, local government would look a lot like the map of the internet created in 1999. Rather than there being a hierachical structure, ordered with central government at the top down to the smallest of community groups at the bottom, policy creation and leadership would rely on "nodes"; with specific areas taking the lead on specific issues. Central Government (big g) cannot be expected to know what knife crime is like in deprived areas around the country, and as such cannot be expected to lead policy in tackling it.
That, I think, is a reasonable assertion which only MPs would take issue with. The problem, of course, is political. Activity is the universal substitute for achievement.
In my own work I recently identified that a drop in the level of feeling able to affect decisions amongst residents of Edinburgh was nothing to do with the Council. I'm convinced about this -and I'm happy to explain it if anyone is interested. On being told this my manager said - people will want to know what we're doing about it.
At the time I felt the right answer to that question was: nothing. On further reflection I feel that the answer is: nothing yet.
Yet being the key word.
A colleague of mine is engaged in a project to support the use of graffiti safe zones in Edinburgh. Two people, Edinburgh residents, met her at an event and suggested introducing this project which had been successful elsewhere. Young people are guided by professional artists to create graffiti art; this helps to engage with young people, break down barriers and fosters a sense of community. I'm not sure it helps to reduce vandalism; but equally I've not seen evidence that suggests it increases it either.
Due to the support of a senior manager with the Council this project is being progressed, but with all three of them (my colleague and the two residents) working on a voluntary basis.
But back to LARIA; I'll tell you how this fits in later.
Someone posed the question - do you think that Britain will no longer be the fourth largest economy in the world. I honestly don't remember what the professor's answer was. Mine is: of course not.
Sixty years ago South Korea (Korea) was a rice paddy. The people were, quite literally, peasants. There was no industry to speak of, the country was globally and regional insignificant. Today the per capita GDP of South Korea is almost as high as Britain's. A few years ago my friend Alan - who went there to teach English to primary school children - reported that in the cities 50mb internet connections were the norm. In the UK those connection speeds have been available to the general consumer for only a year.
Most people in the west don't make anything; we have only a secondary relationship to physical resources. Our wealth comes from knowledge - whether that's artistic, technical, managerial, etc. it all comes from training. And how long does it take to go from the average person in a country being a peasant farmer to the average person being a technology worker? Well, about 60 years it would seem - possibly much less - and both China and India are a generation into that very deliberate transition.
I'm quite arrogant, but I have to admit that I am not as smart as the five Chinese university graduates you could employ instead of me for the same money. And because of this I should watch my back - and so should you.
Capital is not sentimental - it goes to where it can do what? Generate the greatest amount of activity? Nope - it goes to where it can generate the most valuable outcome. Millions of people in China and India did not spend their work day chatting with their chums and checking facebook statuses (and neither did I, though my work day did start at 2pm and finish at 5pm and consisted mostly of sitting quietly).
At the next session a group from Hackney council presented their work with engaging the residents. One particular piece of information I happened to uncover with my own research some years earlier - perceptions of street cleanliness are not restricted to the street; they include buildings, surrounding land, etc. Which local government has no control over.
I asked: what ideas do you have for dealing with this? They seemed confident they were doing something already, but vague on what this was. I hope I can say that without offending, I've known about this issue for years and have done bugger all - I'm not pointing fingers. And the "broken windows" theory of environmental percetion is older than I am.
But all of these things are part of the same issue, aren't they?
Government can't dictate policy of equal (if any) effect in Eastbourne and Edinburgh. Arguably, as life expectancy rates vary dramatically between sections of individual towns, local government can't dictate policy equally across much smaller areas.
Perceptions and outcomes are dependent on much more than the actions of government at any level. And government is often - I'd even go so far as to say usually - not the best place to start with solutions to problems.
How do we get the best value for our money? National solutions to national problems, regional solutions to regional problems and local solutions to local problems. And I think we're so often paralyzed by complexity that we fail to understand most problems are local. The knife crime committed in a borough of London is not perpetrated by the same disenfranchised youths committing the same kind of crime in a suburb of Glasgow; two or more area specific solutions might work better than one national policy.
A small local action like an environmental clean up, forcing the owner of a disused building to maintain it better, or a graffiti project, might be all the solution a neighbourhood needs to a serious problem. And as many local authorities are finding the third sector (including individual volunteers) is a highly efficient and effective way of generating value.
We in local government need to do less and listen more. We need to generate fewer solutions ourselves and become geared to act on, develop and improve the solutions brought to us by local people.
When my colleague told me about the graffiti project I had a dozen suggestions for how it could be improved from the initial suggestion by the residents. Why? Because I understand local government, I have a network of professional contacts, I have experience as a project manager - all necessary components for getting things done which the residents did not have.
I asked my colleague, almost rhetorically: how do we deal with these kinds if requests coming in from the public for help with these kinds of projects? She didn't know. Neither do I. We simply aren't set up to deal with grass roots solutions to big problems. We'll consult extensively on which of our solutions is best, but any good researcher will tell you what kind of answers you'll get back from those kinds of questions.
Stuart Booker, like myself a member of the LARIA in Scotland steering group, presented a summary of important recently completed work on the legislative need for research. And while there are a lot of specifics to be sure, the overarching theme is one of a need for informed decision-making based on the desires of those affected by decisions. Sensible governance.
What do we do about people not feeling involved in decision-making? We find out what problems they have, we find out what solutions they have, we give them the best information we can, then they make the decisions.
And on a good day, that's exactly what I do. I just want to see more good days.
John Benington, the LARCI chair and keynote speaker, put the proposition that local governance is undergoing a Copernican revolution - that is a change in the way we centre the universe of our activities. I remarked to Bob Stead from West Lothian that the points Professor Benington made were interesting... but what do I do with them?
What happened next answered my question.
Professor Benington said that he believed, in future, local government would look a lot like the map of the internet created in 1999. Rather than there being a hierachical structure, ordered with central government at the top down to the smallest of community groups at the bottom, policy creation and leadership would rely on "nodes"; with specific areas taking the lead on specific issues. Central Government (big g) cannot be expected to know what knife crime is like in deprived areas around the country, and as such cannot be expected to lead policy in tackling it.
That, I think, is a reasonable assertion which only MPs would take issue with. The problem, of course, is political. Activity is the universal substitute for achievement.
In my own work I recently identified that a drop in the level of feeling able to affect decisions amongst residents of Edinburgh was nothing to do with the Council. I'm convinced about this -and I'm happy to explain it if anyone is interested. On being told this my manager said - people will want to know what we're doing about it.
At the time I felt the right answer to that question was: nothing. On further reflection I feel that the answer is: nothing yet.
Yet being the key word.
A colleague of mine is engaged in a project to support the use of graffiti safe zones in Edinburgh. Two people, Edinburgh residents, met her at an event and suggested introducing this project which had been successful elsewhere. Young people are guided by professional artists to create graffiti art; this helps to engage with young people, break down barriers and fosters a sense of community. I'm not sure it helps to reduce vandalism; but equally I've not seen evidence that suggests it increases it either.
Due to the support of a senior manager with the Council this project is being progressed, but with all three of them (my colleague and the two residents) working on a voluntary basis.
But back to LARIA; I'll tell you how this fits in later.
Someone posed the question - do you think that Britain will no longer be the fourth largest economy in the world. I honestly don't remember what the professor's answer was. Mine is: of course not.
Sixty years ago South Korea (Korea) was a rice paddy. The people were, quite literally, peasants. There was no industry to speak of, the country was globally and regional insignificant. Today the per capita GDP of South Korea is almost as high as Britain's. A few years ago my friend Alan - who went there to teach English to primary school children - reported that in the cities 50mb internet connections were the norm. In the UK those connection speeds have been available to the general consumer for only a year.
Most people in the west don't make anything; we have only a secondary relationship to physical resources. Our wealth comes from knowledge - whether that's artistic, technical, managerial, etc. it all comes from training. And how long does it take to go from the average person in a country being a peasant farmer to the average person being a technology worker? Well, about 60 years it would seem - possibly much less - and both China and India are a generation into that very deliberate transition.
I'm quite arrogant, but I have to admit that I am not as smart as the five Chinese university graduates you could employ instead of me for the same money. And because of this I should watch my back - and so should you.
Capital is not sentimental - it goes to where it can do what? Generate the greatest amount of activity? Nope - it goes to where it can generate the most valuable outcome. Millions of people in China and India did not spend their work day chatting with their chums and checking facebook statuses (and neither did I, though my work day did start at 2pm and finish at 5pm and consisted mostly of sitting quietly).
At the next session a group from Hackney council presented their work with engaging the residents. One particular piece of information I happened to uncover with my own research some years earlier - perceptions of street cleanliness are not restricted to the street; they include buildings, surrounding land, etc. Which local government has no control over.
I asked: what ideas do you have for dealing with this? They seemed confident they were doing something already, but vague on what this was. I hope I can say that without offending, I've known about this issue for years and have done bugger all - I'm not pointing fingers. And the "broken windows" theory of environmental percetion is older than I am.
But all of these things are part of the same issue, aren't they?
Government can't dictate policy of equal (if any) effect in Eastbourne and Edinburgh. Arguably, as life expectancy rates vary dramatically between sections of individual towns, local government can't dictate policy equally across much smaller areas.
Perceptions and outcomes are dependent on much more than the actions of government at any level. And government is often - I'd even go so far as to say usually - not the best place to start with solutions to problems.
How do we get the best value for our money? National solutions to national problems, regional solutions to regional problems and local solutions to local problems. And I think we're so often paralyzed by complexity that we fail to understand most problems are local. The knife crime committed in a borough of London is not perpetrated by the same disenfranchised youths committing the same kind of crime in a suburb of Glasgow; two or more area specific solutions might work better than one national policy.
A small local action like an environmental clean up, forcing the owner of a disused building to maintain it better, or a graffiti project, might be all the solution a neighbourhood needs to a serious problem. And as many local authorities are finding the third sector (including individual volunteers) is a highly efficient and effective way of generating value.
We in local government need to do less and listen more. We need to generate fewer solutions ourselves and become geared to act on, develop and improve the solutions brought to us by local people.
When my colleague told me about the graffiti project I had a dozen suggestions for how it could be improved from the initial suggestion by the residents. Why? Because I understand local government, I have a network of professional contacts, I have experience as a project manager - all necessary components for getting things done which the residents did not have.
I asked my colleague, almost rhetorically: how do we deal with these kinds if requests coming in from the public for help with these kinds of projects? She didn't know. Neither do I. We simply aren't set up to deal with grass roots solutions to big problems. We'll consult extensively on which of our solutions is best, but any good researcher will tell you what kind of answers you'll get back from those kinds of questions.
Stuart Booker, like myself a member of the LARIA in Scotland steering group, presented a summary of important recently completed work on the legislative need for research. And while there are a lot of specifics to be sure, the overarching theme is one of a need for informed decision-making based on the desires of those affected by decisions. Sensible governance.
What do we do about people not feeling involved in decision-making? We find out what problems they have, we find out what solutions they have, we give them the best information we can, then they make the decisions.
And on a good day, that's exactly what I do. I just want to see more good days.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Untitled Work Project 1 - Development Diary 5
So with filming complete - more or less to satisfaction - I move into post-production. A world where everything either becomes magnificent, or everything turns to total crap. As I type this I have a video rendering which I expect to take something in the region of 2 hours. Removing green screen, turning everything black and white and adding a blur to cover the joins is something which will take my PC a fair bit of time.
So as of right now I don't know how it's going to turn out. This concerns me.
Working with The Movies I've always been clear about what I've got well in advance. I have never worked with this much live footage before - I have about 3 hours - and turning that into a video which will last about 12-15 minutes is going to be a challenge in itself. Especially given that I have to be on a train to a four day conference in Loughborough first thing Sunday morning.
So, which of my ideas did I abandon as unworkable first? Yes, it seems like a terrible question to ask, but time pressures mean my grandiose plans have to be scaled back and I'm faced with the tough choice of what to keep and what to lose so that come Thursday I have anything at all.
Well the notion of a spectral animation for the invisible cat went first. Then the idea of adding any tracking elements post-production - no metal teeth at all I'm afraid; the prop ones having failed to stick in the actor's mouth. Then the 3-D environment - this is going to be dramatically scaled back.
I've chosen these elements because they don't add anything to the story. While they would be visually impressive I have to bet that I can get that feel elsewhere with elements that are needed for the story.
This really is a seat of my pants, skin of my teeth, jack-of-all-trades production. I fear that it's teaching me much more about making decisions under fire than about making things I'll forever take pride in.
So as of right now I don't know how it's going to turn out. This concerns me.
Working with The Movies I've always been clear about what I've got well in advance. I have never worked with this much live footage before - I have about 3 hours - and turning that into a video which will last about 12-15 minutes is going to be a challenge in itself. Especially given that I have to be on a train to a four day conference in Loughborough first thing Sunday morning.
So, which of my ideas did I abandon as unworkable first? Yes, it seems like a terrible question to ask, but time pressures mean my grandiose plans have to be scaled back and I'm faced with the tough choice of what to keep and what to lose so that come Thursday I have anything at all.
Well the notion of a spectral animation for the invisible cat went first. Then the idea of adding any tracking elements post-production - no metal teeth at all I'm afraid; the prop ones having failed to stick in the actor's mouth. Then the 3-D environment - this is going to be dramatically scaled back.
I've chosen these elements because they don't add anything to the story. While they would be visually impressive I have to bet that I can get that feel elsewhere with elements that are needed for the story.
This really is a seat of my pants, skin of my teeth, jack-of-all-trades production. I fear that it's teaching me much more about making decisions under fire than about making things I'll forever take pride in.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Untitled Work Project 1 - Development Diary 4
Mistake (Possibly) Number 1
And when I wrote that title I didn't mean "possibly a mistake"; I meant definitely a mistake, possibly the first one. My bet is that I've actually made many others but haven't noticed them. What's this mistake then?, I'd hear you cry if we were both in the same place at the same time, you cried "what's this mistake then?" and I was listening.
Well the simple fact is that I didn't rehearse my actors. They're not actors, of course, they're just people. The result of this was that they are - though enthusiastic - not necessarily brilliant. And this isn't their fault - it's mine. Normally I would rehearse and talk things through extensively and I wouldn't have only enough time for one take on most shots. Normally people will have had more than a day with the script. Time is not on my side and I've cut corners on preparation.
This is really why soap operas are total crap. Also, Daniel Radcliffe can't act - total aside from what I'm talking about but he just can't. I saw him in Equus on the week it closed in New York; he'd been doing it for months and I still thought he was reading his lines from brightly illuminated massive cue cards at the back of the room. Good play though.
I think this is a pretty harsh lesson because I don't think there's anything that can be done about it. Maybe the solution is more talent. Maybe I need to push harder for what I want. I'm not getting anywhere with this train of thought.
Anyway, the first day of filming went ok, on average. I'll start editing tomorrow night and by then I'll know which creek I'm up and will have inventoried my canoe.
And when I wrote that title I didn't mean "possibly a mistake"; I meant definitely a mistake, possibly the first one. My bet is that I've actually made many others but haven't noticed them. What's this mistake then?, I'd hear you cry if we were both in the same place at the same time, you cried "what's this mistake then?" and I was listening.
Well the simple fact is that I didn't rehearse my actors. They're not actors, of course, they're just people. The result of this was that they are - though enthusiastic - not necessarily brilliant. And this isn't their fault - it's mine. Normally I would rehearse and talk things through extensively and I wouldn't have only enough time for one take on most shots. Normally people will have had more than a day with the script. Time is not on my side and I've cut corners on preparation.
This is really why soap operas are total crap. Also, Daniel Radcliffe can't act - total aside from what I'm talking about but he just can't. I saw him in Equus on the week it closed in New York; he'd been doing it for months and I still thought he was reading his lines from brightly illuminated massive cue cards at the back of the room. Good play though.
I think this is a pretty harsh lesson because I don't think there's anything that can be done about it. Maybe the solution is more talent. Maybe I need to push harder for what I want. I'm not getting anywhere with this train of thought.
Anyway, the first day of filming went ok, on average. I'll start editing tomorrow night and by then I'll know which creek I'm up and will have inventoried my canoe.
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